Gratitude

 

Today is my husband's birthday.  (My baby and I made the lovely birthday note for him that you see above.)  Thinking about his birthday, how glad I am that he was born, and how glad I am that we are sharing this life together, makes me think just how lucky I am.  I have so many things to be grateful for.

Remember to breathe

I've been procrastinating, avoiding updating this blog.  I think I didn't want to write again and move the post about my grandpa out of the top space on the page.  I've kind of been stuck the last few weeks.  Traveling, working like crazy, running around after my daring, fearless toddler tornado... whew! 

Flying back to NYC - November

As much as I am thankful for the time I had with my grandpa, I am also sad to have lost him.  And also incredibly sad to have lost another connection to my mom.  I saw so many things about her when I looked at him, understood so many things about her.  And I hate to admit that I've been focusing on the sadness of all of that.  Or perhaps it's more accurate to say I've been ignoring it. 

The other day I found myself hunched over the computer with a headache, and that's when it hit me.  I've been keeping myself busy--too busy--and wound up tight, literally, forgetting to breathe.  I've been taking shallow breaths, using only the top of my lungs.  So I sat down on the floor and practiced three part breathing, using my whole lungs.  Then I did some yoga and moved into camel pose.  My chest actually cracked.  It was a cathartic moment.  I recently read an article called "Beat the Blues with Heart Opening Yoga" by Kate Hanley.  It was a good reminder.  I need to look inward right now instead of allowing the busyness of my life to overwhelm me.  I need to breathe and to keep my heart open.  No more slouchy protective shoulders for this girl! 

So this is my new focus.  Breathe.  Open my heart.  Breathe.  Open my heart.  Breathe...

remembering Grandpa

Love.  Friendship.  Vitality.  Health.  What more could a person ask for from life?  These are the words and the questions in my mind as I sit here meditating on the seeming finality of death.  My Grandpa passed away yesterday.  He was 89 years old.  He had plans to go to Florida this past Monday with his brother to play golf.  Instead we're heading to Iowa on Friday, to wish him a last farewell and prayers for a peaceful journey.

I am conflicted.  I am overwhelmed with sadness for my loss, but extremely grateful that I had as much time as I did, with this person who taught me so much... perhaps most importantly, how to love the people in my life, how to be strong and how to be there for them (with a smile), no matter what twists and turns they encounter along the way.  I guess we learn by example, right?

My Grandpa was a good man; patient, caring and kind.  He was never angry, a trait I (unfortunately) didn't inherit.  He always had a joke, a laugh and a song to sing.

I don't feel like anything I'm saying does justice to the memory I have of him.

When I learned he was gone I called my younger brother and his wife, and then I fell into supta baddha konasana.  It just felt like the right thing to do.  I set up my mat so I could soak up the sunlight coming through the window.  Reclining bound angle pose is incredibly restorative.  I leaned back on a bolster to help open my heart.  

I don't know how to deal with grief, how to handle loss.  Luckily my amazing babe is here with me, forcing me to be present instead of focusing on the past, reminding me that life is good, and that life moves on.  I recently read that grief manifests itself physically, so I'm planning on meeting it head on.  There will be lots of heart opening yoga in my future.  :)

After October

My October Yoga Challenge went well.  I didn't do yoga every day that I wanted to.  I didn't make it out to as many classes as I might have liked.  But all in all I consider it a success.  It was a learning process!

Now it is November, and time to take the things I learned in October and integrate them into my daily life.  I need to remember to set goals, but to have some flexibility when my life is pulling me in another direction.  The important thing is to keep my focus so I can come back to them.  With my baby it really is important to remember to take each day at a time.  There's no telling from one day to the next whether he will be teething, crabby and only napping for 25 minutes, or whether he will be my happy, playful little dude, napping for 2 hours and leaving his mama with plenty of time to finish her work on her job and still have time to work on her body, health and mind.

In October I spent a lot of time thinking about how to live more like a yogi.  I meditated on how to better treat the world and the people around me, and how to live my life with gratitude.  I just started reading Yoga Sutras of Patanjali and plan to read Green Yoga by Georg Feuerstein and Brenda Feuerstein next.  I've also started following some blogs about how to green my life, and I'll write more about that soon.

At the beginning of the month I promised myself a reward if I completed the challenge--a new yoga mat.  So although it didn't go exactly as planned, I consider my October Yoga Challenge a success.  In fact, I think it actually was even better than I could have expected, just in different ways.  So I'm looking for a new mat.  Yeah!!

Fall

Before my husband left to pick up our CSA share this week we had a conversation about what vegetables he might come home with.  I love the CSA.  I love the element of surprise.  We agreed that we would probably get lots of squash.  We were happily surprised by what is probably our last round of tomatoes, some gorgeous purple, yellow and orange carrots, eggplant, potatoes, beets, lettuce, bok choy, red onions, garlic, kale and winter squash.

There isn't a farmer's market near us, so we decided to join a CSA.  Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) is a system where you sign up for a farm share before the growing season.  The fees help the farmer pay for seeds, supplies and equipment for the season.  As vegetables are harvested, once a week the farmer delivers vegetables to the city and you go collect your share of fresh, local, organic produce.  The amount of food and what kind is dependent on what is ripe and how the growing season is going.  We've been CSA members for two years now and have really enjoyed it.

One of my major goals is to simplify my life, home, schedule, commitments, diet, etc..  It's a big task!  But being a part of the CSA has really been a no brainer .  We keep our food staples on hand and know that every Tuesday we're going to be collecting some delicious, fresh, organic goods.  As the seasons change and our vegetables lean more toward roots and squash, rather than the corn, leafy greens and varieties of gorgeous heirloom tomatoes we've enjoyed so far this year, I find myself anticipating a long winter.  As the days get shorter I need to keep focused!  So I think we're going to branch out into the winter produce share, frozen fruit and vegetable share and special order local goods.  At least that way I can move ahead knowing my diet won't suffer in the coming months.  And next summer we'll go visit the farm!

In the clear

The last few days I've had a cold.  It has been so frustrating!  Not only am I tired and uncomfortable, I've also been cranky that this has slowed down the momentum of my October Yoga Challenge!  Over the last few days I have had to listen to my body, respect my limits, and come to peace with the fact that I simply needed to rest.  Baby A has been teething really badly, poor little guy, which means that I'm stretched a little thin tending to his needs, work, and trying to get myself on the fast track back to feeling well.

I've been drinking lots of tea and doing a slow and restorative practice during his shorter than usual naps.  This article in Yoga Journal shows some poses that help to relieve a cold.  I am hoping that tomorrow my energy levels will be on their way back to normal so I can go out to a class!  We'll see how I feel.  If not tomorrow, there's always Thursday...

The longing

Last Wednesday I went to an open level class at Virayoga.  I loved it!  The teacher, Zhenja, was amazing.  I've never taken a class with her, so before class started she came and visited with me for a few minutes.  At one point she asked where I practice yoga, and I said "I'm here now."  And I think it's the right place for me to be!  I've decided to make this Wednesday evening class a regular part of my week. 

Zhenja talked about many things throughout that class, but one that really resonated with me was something her teacher Dr. Douglas Brooks says.  "If you make a mistake, don't do it again.  And then if you do it again, don't do it again."  It's a reminder that we're human and we do make mistakes.  But it's important to try to become a better person, and not to focus on or get hung up on past errors or situations.  We should have the longing for more, and sometimes that's enough.  It's a good reminder that I don't have to always have a perfect practice.  I just have to do what I can, be present and strive for more.

October Yoga Challenge: Day 4

Day 4 and going strong.  My shoulders are tired from Chaturanga and I'm more aware of my abs than I have been since before Baby A was born.  Success!  :)  So far I am feeling strong and dedicated, and happy with my yoga plans.  I actually started 2 days early, so I've been doing an hour + of home practice for nearly a week now.  I'm going to take a class at Virayoga on Wednesday evening. 

Today was a difficult day.  My babe only napped for half of an hour (!!!!!!!) so he was super crabby.  Normally I get all my work done and practice during his naps.  I was incredibly frustrated by the time I realized he wasn't taking another nap this afternoon.  Luckily my darling husband came home from work full of energy, ready to wrangle, play like crazy, bathe and prepare our baby for bed while I took some much needed time to stretch, twist and breathe my way through a yoga sequence.  Aaaaaaaah.

my October Yoga Challenge!

I've decided to embark on an October Yoga Challenge.  This month I will do at least an hour of yoga 6 days a week.  I will allow myself a pass the days I am out of town, or if I am sick.

getting there is half the fun

There was an article about Little Dog Orchard in my CSA's newsletter this summer.  The owners of Little Dog Orchard are Manhattan transplants who moved upstate a few years ago and are in the process of converting the orchard from conventional to natural growing methods.  If you lease a tree, one is assigned to you and is cared for during the growing season.  When the apples are ready to be picked, you can go spend a day upstate and collect apples from your tree.  My husband and I decided to lease an Empire apple tree.  I liked the idea of local, spray-free apples, going directly from the tree to my kitchen.  Not to mention that leasing a tree guaranteed me an autumn day upstate picking apples!

This past Saturday we went upstate for a lovely afternoon of apple picking. We may have gotten a little carried away, because we came home with 6 huge (huge!) bags of apples. After giving away as many apples as we could, we still had more than we knew what to do with. Applesauce, apple butter, apple pie, apple apple apple...?

After standing in the kitchen peeling apples for what felt like a very long time, I decided to get comfy on the floor with a bowl for my peels.  I started cooking and kept peeling apples until I had a blister on my finger.  As that blister grew I became increasingly grouchy.  Luckily it wasn't long before my baby woke up from his nap, so it was time for a break.  :)

Soon our apartment was filled with the scent of warm apples and cinnamon, and my mind was racing into the future.  I thought about apple picking when Baby A is older.  As an urban baby (urban child) I want to make sure he knows where his food comes from.  Picking apples, bringing them home and then creating all sorts of delicious edibles out of them is one great way to help him understand that.  Next year I'm definitely getting one of those apple peeler/corer/slicers though!

back to the mat

My yoga mat has not been entirely neglected. I unroll it every day and keep it out all day. Sometimes I have 15 minutes on the mat, sometimes an hour, and other days I only manage to squeeze in one sun salutation.


Working from home (on call full time) and taking care of a toddler doesn't leave much time for those luxurious, relaxing yoga breaks I remember from days passed. But despite some ebbs and flows, yoga has been a constant in my life since 1998. I want to do a yoga immersion this spring. It's time to become more serious about yoga and to devote myself to this thing that is so important to my health and happiness, and which will in the long run, only make me a better person and a better mother. A plan is brewing...

be here now

I have studied yoga and meditation, but I have never been more present in my body and in my life than I am and have been during the different stages of growing, birthing and nourishing a baby. I love him, my babe, in a way I never knew existed. He is constantly changing and I am constantly working on being present in my life, for this too shall pass. This time is precious and fleeting.

Be Here Now has been sitting on my shelves for months. I pulled it down today and started to look through it. My 13 month old baby crawled into my lap. I read "Don't think about the past. Be here now... Don't think about the future. Be here now." He started turning the pages faster than I could read them. With that thought fresh in my mind I laughed and tickled him and we rolled around and went into the other room to play.